Day 100: The LA Chronicles.
Day 100.
Today is Day 100 of living in LA. Nothing is certain, but there is so much promise in the air. My head is spinning; I'm being pulled in so many directions. There is so much going on all at once, and the only constant is change. Every day is an adventure, a blank page in a book waiting to be filled with stories: I wake up and never really know where the next few hours will take me or how it will end. Most days I feel like I am on a carousel, just along for the ride and holding on for dear life, not sure when the ride will stop or where I'll end up when it does. It is all kinds of crazy stressful and incredibly maddening, especially for a control freak like me, but I would choose this a thousand times over feeling stuck and bored and passionless as I did before I came here. The chaos fuels my soul in a way I never knew was possible and I find myself standing strong amidst the hustle and bustle and confusion. Upon first encountering it, I was afraid I might lose myself in all the commotion; but instead, it has forced me to really identify who I am and what I truly want from life and I hold tight to that and let everything else go. It is a freeing feeling of sorts, not having to have it all figured out all the time. I am slowly but surely unlocking parts of my psyche I have always wanted to reach but didn’t know how. I am becoming more spontaneous, adventurous, open-minded, and self-assured. I am becoming more free.
Meeting people and making friends was much easier than I expected it to be. People here have been so kind, and warm, and inviting. And yet, what’s funny is I don’t feel like I need them. Before coming here, I was afraid of being lonely. Now that I’m here, I almost welcome it. I really value my alone time. The sense of anonymity is kind of nice; it frees me of expectations and affords me the chance to be whoever I want to be--or rather, who I really am in this moment. It’s something I have never felt before--when growing up in one place for a long time people gradually build up this idea of who you are, and even though they watch you transition through life they expect that you won’t change too drastically. And so although you can morph or grow to an extent, you are inevitably stuck in the shell of who you once were or who you’ve always been. Coming here has allowed me to shed that old skin completely, and man, does it feel good. No one really cares where I came from, or what I did, or who I was, and It’s a beautiful thing not to have to carry around the weight of my entire past on my shoulders.
Finding work, on the other hand, has not been quite as easy. Finances are a constant worry. Money goes extremely quick here, much quicker than I’m used to, thanks to a faster paced lifestyle and a higher cost of living. My survival instincts have kicked in and I have been hustling harder than ever. I have been utilizing my creative talents to make ears to help supplement my very small income. Most days I feel like I am treading water, grabbing at anything I can find, trying desperately just to stay afloat long enough to get to shore. It is exhausting, and sometimes discouraging; but knowing that it is all just temporary keeps me focused and pushing forward. That being said, my work has been received very positively by all who have seen it, and more and more opportunities are starting to come my way, so I feel like it is just a matter of time before I’m connected with the right people and everything just clicks into place. The holidays (and with it, my trip home to Miami) are placed squarely in the middle of my being here and have made finding anything steady quite difficult. I have my eyes set intently on January--it already looks like its going to be a crazy month! 2015 will undoubtedly be a life-changing year for me, and I am ready. I have waited and prepared a long time for this. I am ready.
Despite my struggles, I truly love my new home. It’s strange; I haven’t felt homesick at all. I miss certain people, and sometimes I wish they were here with me, but I don’t miss Miami or my life there. Other than to spend time with those people, I have no desire to go back. For a long time I have looked back, constantly wondering “what if...?” and questioning the way my life turned out. Now I know that every struggle, every decision, every heart break, every step was in preparation for this moment. All of it was necessary to lead me to where I am now. I have, for so long, been petrified of letting go of anything or anyone, afraid that those people or things were what made me who I was and that if I lost them, I’d lose myself forever. It has taken almost 28 years and more pain and tears than I ever knew I could possibly endure but I finally feel like I can let go of my past and look to the future, only taking what I need with me. It is foggy but full of hope: there is a bright light at the end of this tunnel and I intend to get there and find out what’s on the other side.
I am insanely grateful for all the people I have in my corner, both here and in Miami, rooting for me, praying for me, pulling for me, wanting to see me succeed. I don’t know if I could have made it this far without that support. Moving across the country has been the hardest and yet most fulfilling thing I have ever done with my life. It has been a crazy ride these 100 days. I can’t wait to see what the next 100 days bring. <3