Late Night Ponderings.

In life we have choices. We open some doors and close others, push through some and bypass others. Most of the time, once we cross a threshold we never know what’s going on on the other side. We don’t know what could have been. We just have to trust our gut that we made the right choices. But every now and again, some revolving door swings open long enough for you to get a glimpse of the other side. A tiny glimmer of the life you passed on. The things you would have had, the places you would have gone, the people you would have loved. And in that instant, you gain a special type of insight into yourself. Because you know. Whether your choice was right or not, you know. You feel something. Perhaps nostalgia, regret, or redemption, or solace. Or perhaps, as for me, you feel peace.

I should note that this was not expected. I question every decision I have ever made with ferocious intensity. I almost always act based on emotion rather than logic. I am no stranger to long insomnia-driven nights wondering what if.  I am prone to nostalgic daydreams about the glory days of past. And as we all know, the grass always appears greener wherever we are not. 

And yet, while it had its moments of wonderful, I do not miss my would-have-been life. I do not wish things would have turned out differently. I am at peace with the choices I have made. They have brought me to where I am now, and although all my once plans have unraveled and my current future is a mysterious adventure that has yet to reveal itself, I have no regrets. If I could go back, I would make the same decisions over again.  I would live the adventure over again. Because in the end, it leads me to now. And now is perfect in it’s own imperfect way. 

Everything turns out exactly as it should. I believe that now more than ever.