Sometimes I think I want so much that I don’t want anything.
I want to travel but I also want to stay at home in my lovely armchair with a cup of tea and an enormous sized apple. I also want to move around, live in different countries, wake up in a new city once a month and never cease to find new little coffee shops that sell my favourite peppermint tea. At the same time I want to be able to find somewhere I can call home.
I want to work with something I love doing, but I love doing so many different things I don’t know what to choose. I want to have a career I love so much I don’t even want to think about it. Because what if I fail and never get that wonderful job where I can get all my creativity out and at the same time wear high heels to the office?
I want to meet all (or at least more then a few of) the interesting people in the world, and I want to make them my friends. At the same time I want to be all by myself, and I want to focus my love on a few special people instead of having a heap of acquaintances.
I want to love him but at the same time I want to leave. Mostly because I am afraid that one of us will stop loving and move on. I want to open my heart but as soon as I’ve done it I want to close it again. For now I will manage to keep it open though, and let myself love him just as much as I want to.
I want to be just as I am and have my emotions on the surface. At the same time I wish I could be closed as a clam and not give away exactly what I feel as soon as I feel it. I want to be able to lie with my emotions as good as I am about lying about who stole the last cookie (it’s always me).
I want to write without thinking about who will judge me for what I do put down in words. I therefore often censor myself and skip writing in my own strangely overenthusiastic and sometimes slightly depressed way.
I want to have a pair of new Acne boots, and a sweater from Celine. I then want to wear them while having lunch with my love at a picturesque little restaurant in Venice. And after having eaten lasagna until our stomach hurts I want us to go in a Condole. Just because we can be that overly romantically and silly. We would be the only one who knew about it anyway.
I want people to see me for who I am, but I also like the image I know many people have of me. I can hide behind that surface of being a skinny girl with a strong ambition even though I sometimes feel as if I am nothing but that.
Sometimes all I want is to stop wanting so much, and instead just be content. At the same time I do know that being fully content with my life would take away some of my fire, some of the energy that feeds my urge to become something.
I guess I will have to live with being a person who wants, and then wants some more. I’d rather be someone like that, someone who is constantly striving to get more out of life then someone who never looked beyond their doorstep.
So it it what it is. And now all I want is more cake.
- Nathalia Lindvall